Finding Balance

My mother-in-law looks great in skinny jeans and tall boots. My husband's family all have the trademark long, skinny legs, even my sister-in-law, who was not born into this family but joined like me, by marriage, has those enviable long legs. I, on the other hand, come from a history of women with the kind of curves that Jennifer Lopez made famous (at least from the waist down)! Lanky limbs just weren't in the cards for me and so I've come to accept and, even at times celebrate the body I was blessed with. This brings me to; It's All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor.

http://youtu.be/7PCkvCPvDXk       Check it out!

I first heard this song last summer when I was in the throes of packing up my life to move to the north woods.  During the four months that I was sorting, purging, wrapping, packing and labelling boxes, every time this song came on the music channel I listened to, I would immediately drop everything, turn up the volume and start singing and dancing around the house. It made me deliriously happy! It made me laugh! This simple distraction in the midst of the chaos of making a move this big was amongst the things that kept me sane; a release of the nervous energy, the doubts and fears and sadness and trepidations of leaving my life in Arizona behind and moving to the unknown. After two years of grieving and a year before that of begging God to heal Beth, now my heart, mind and body were in a mandatory state of readiness for the life changing event that I never in a million years thought would happen; leaving the life that I built since childhood behind to begin a new one.

In my weary from grieving state this did have some appeal. I could focus on something new. Change is exciting or can be,  in the same way that getting on a roller coaster is exciting. Once on it, you can't get off and you close your eyes and hang on for dear life. And, if you're like me, you pray the entire time that you won't get sick or die and you just want this wild crazy ride to end. So I focused my energy solely on getting us there. The packing. The millions of decisions that are involved in a move this big. The strategy and planning all appeal to a mind who loves to organize. And so, in the midst of hundreds of boxes, wrapping paper and belongings that were dwindling as I let go of more and more things that  I decided I didn't need, in the midst of all of this, I focused on what I was moving toward and not what I was giving up. I prayed. A lot. I cried. And I sang and danced to All About that Bass! I mostly filled my mind with thoughts of opportunity of a new life surrounded by trees and water, clean air and seasons, a slower pace, a small town, another family that needs us, another family we love.

Starting over. I asked myself how many people ever get this opportunity? I pushed away the sadness and did not focus on loss or endings, but on adventure and opportunity and beginnings.  I felt like I was moving back in time, to a quieter existence, one where I would be forced to focus on the meaningful, the true, the basics. Without the distraction of big shopping malls, cable television and with only limited internet access I would have a better shot at the simplicity I craved,  I would go back to nature, I would meditate, I would journal  and draw and paint in soft pastels and do mosaics. I would sew and crochet and hike and read more. I would eat healthy, home grown foods and breathe clean air and drink clean water and I would spend more time out doors and I would
  s-l-o-w d-o-w-n. Slow my thoughts and breathe more deeply and at this slower pace I would begin to live a life more aligned with my true nature. I would be more attuned to the spiritual, healthier, more fit and have a lighter heart. Without all the distractions of living in the crazy energy of traffic and noise and rush and hurry, my life would be enriched. I still believe this to be true.* I just forgot that when you get off the roller coaster and put your feet back on solid ground it may be a while before your balance comes back. One of my friends lost her equilibrium for months after a Disney ride. So, I am here, in the woods trying to regain my balance.

Coincidentally, about a month after we arrived here in Wisconsin, my right ear closed. I wasn't sick. I didn't have a cold or sinus. My right ear just closed. And then it got worse and then I went to the doctor and then I went to a specialist. I lost my equilibrium. I temporarily lost hearing in my right ear from what was most likely an inner ear infection and when my ear opened up again I had an intermittent vibration or hum like a bee going on in my ear and my balance continued to be off. I have a hearing test scheduled as well as some sort of test for my balance and inner ear. But in the mean time I am learning to cope with being off balance. It's getting better and I believe it will all be resolved in time, but isn't that just fitting? I'm learning to find my balance.

*I do realize that you can aspire to and achieve the same goals while living in the hustle and bustle of the big city. I just like to think it's gonna be easier here :)  In the end though, I know that, "wherever you go; there you are"! It's an inner journey. You can't wait for things to change. You can't wait until you move to the country or get a new job, or retire or pay off your debts or lose weight. Begin now, wherever you are. Like Gandhi said, "Be the change you seek". Be the change you wish to see in the world. Let your life be your message. What a wise, holy man.